home.

Home is a funny thing.

We look for feelings that make us believe that a certain city, a certain set of people, a certain house, a certain career, a certain person to share a bed with every night, add up to a natural, “home” kind of environment for our unique little soul. A setting where we fit. A life uniquely tailored to who we turned out to be.

What if home is a place you burrow out when you involve yourself in something? When you sink in deep and wiggle around and make space for yourself somewhere? Sometimes I wonder if home is more like a mold…when you really allow yourself to be embedded in the world around you, no matter where you are, you create a space that does actually perfectly fit you – not because it was created just for you before you got there, but because you allowed people and relationships and ideas and experiences to get close enough to your very skin that you are the only person who can fill that space. The only person who can fulfill the requirements of and fully comprehend the joy of the environment you inhabit.

How is this about my life? I bought a house. It’s adorable, and I plan to post pictures of the renovation process if you’re curious. I was born about 20 minutes away. I can see my middle school from my front door. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to call this “home,” at least not deep down in my heart.

I have chosen, for the moment, to live fully where I am. I met my neighbors. I spent an hour and a half with the woman who owns the gelateria down the street discussing why I believe there is hope for her children and their generation. I think my dog likes it here. My past, my personality, my ways of engaging people, my thoughts, my desires for my future all fit here because I am making a space for them all. And when I need to go somewhere else, I want to live fully where I will be then. And my past, my personality, my ways of engaging people, my thoughts, my desires for my future will fit there too because I will make a space for them all.

My Father knows me and he actually is preparing a place for me – I believe that and I dream about that and one of the most undiscussed desires of my heart is to be in that place. But I cannot help but notice that I am finding my place in that relationship already, sinking deep and wiggling around and learning who exactly I am in his eyes. And I hope that I will always be living as fully as I possibly can with him between now and then, finding my place in the kingdom that is near at hand and will never end.