sometimes i fall flat on my face.

No literally, I fall a lot. Take this morning for example. Lying face first on the steel-cornered steps between the first and second floors of Riggs Hall, I thought about the frequency of that occurrence and its impact on my life. It’s not just falling up the stairs - it’s the many many ways I am reminded that the “I have it all together” image wouldn’t resemble mine even after hours of expert photoshopping.

And I really want to use that. Tripping, saying really dumb things even when I’m not nervous, my (often) complete failure to fully confirm the identity of a person I’m about to greet with an enthusiastic hug, it’s all usable.

They’re reminders that there really is no good purpose for preserving my dignity. My pride and dedication to any kind of appearance (no matter how small) do nothing but frustrate me for not manufacturing the perfect public opinion and leave me ultimately alone. I’m not actually that incapable of functioning without embarrassing myself, but any time I start concentrating on how I’m being perceived I STOP BEING HONEST. I start trying to become something more impressive. Instead, I want to be approachable, comfortable, attentive, and as real as I can possibly be…not so I can be known as “the marvelously humble girl,” but just because that’s the outflow of hiding myself in this love affair with Christ that’s releasing my selfish grip on my identity.

Freedom from fear…death of self and dignity. Honesty and life and reality and love.

when love comes in fire…

Understanding the depth and expanse of the Lord’s mercy is absolutely necessary for us as fatally flawed human beings. His tenderness in restoring me and raising to life all of the places in me that had died from disease and deception - that quiet, constant grace has become such a needed resting place for my heart in the last few months. What I never expected to be THANKFUL for, however, is his absolute fierceness. I accepted the idea of a powerful, fearsome God only when it meant that he was pummeling my enemies and protecting me - otherwise, I generally rejected thoughts of anything other than an adoring, gracious, eternally patient Bridegroom and Father.

I’m not even going to begin to claim that I have a clear understanding of the character of the Lord, but in seeking a more balanced and scripturally accurate view of him I’m surprised at how glad I am that my God does not always come as a gentle breeze rustling the fragile autumn leaves. I’m glad he’s an all-consuming fire. I’m glad that he is someone to be feared. I’m glad that he is full of righteousness and that because of his very nature, if it were not for his abundant love and mercy we would all be struck dead. I really love that my Redeemer is entirely holy and powerful and majestic and not at all passive.

It is because he is so passionately and absolutely committed to righteousness that he provided a way for us to take on his righteousness. If he were not so, there would be no opportunity for us to “worship him in the beauty of holiness” (Psalm 29:2) - no escape from our depravity into a realm where we are free to be beautiful in purity as we were created to be. His anger against disobedience and pride and apathy and hate and wickedness are not indicators that he’s too demanding and violent to be a good God - he sees those things and knows that only when they are destroyed and divinely wrenched out of our souls can anything good exist. He IS a good God because he refuses to simply turn away from the evil in the world and in us. He loves his people too much NOT to hate unrighteousness and injustice, NOT to be committed to purity and holiness.

God, help me understand what it truly means to have a reverent, worshipful fear of you that is both fueled by and necessary for my love for you.

Psalm 24

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;
for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior.
Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. Selah.

Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle.
Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
Who is he, this King of glory? The Lord Almighty — he is the King of glory. Selah.”

—-

May we give our lives to serve the Lord with a pure heart, open wide and preparing the way for the King of glory.

this is our God…

Receive love.

Love is an incomprehensible depth of mercy. It burns desperately for the lost one and exults in the ninety nine it has been given. Love overwhelms fear. It satisfies. It quiets the anxious and makes restless the comfortable. It is radiant in the darkness of unrighteousness. Love heals. It frees. Love redeems what has been destroyed and destroys what has been falsely established. It baffles the intelligent and is made known to the humble. It is not blind, for it gives sight. Love cannot withstand injustice. It is passionate, even ferocious in its pursuit. Love is lavish and unearned. Love is faithful and trustworthy. It sparks a wildfire that purifies and refines. It is truly better than life. Love values what seems worthless. Love judges righteously for the good of men. It is essential. It corrects perspective and enables relationship.

Love is beyond explanation or description.

This is our God, who himself is perfect love.