Fear isn’t pretty. It isn’t enviable. Nobody wants to admit when they’re scared. You can ignore it all you want to, you can claim to be immune, but you’re not – it’s part of life.
I don’t handle it well.
I’m learning a lot about myself, and that tops the list. Some people can take uncertainty and seemingly hopeless situations with the utmost outward grace and composure – I just don’t happen to be one of them. My plans usually have a defined end result, and beyond that I would just rather…not. Most days I’d prefer the stuff I screw up on my own than passively wait for life to hit a surprise line drive straight to my stomach. The things I can’t understand or predict or map out about following Jesus even scare me silly because – what happens when I get to them and things don’t go like I think they should? What do you do with all of the questions? Worse, what happens if you never find the answers? But guess what? If I keep living my life that way, I’m going nowhere and learning nothing. I’m getting know me well enough to see the gracelessness coming and fight back instead of running away.
Believe it or not, my “personal development map” at work this summer includes a nice section about Dealing with Ambiguity. Do you know how you learn to deal better with ambiguity on the job? You take something you don’t understand and you DIVE IN. Have faith. Ask questions when you need to, but take a deep breath and actually make a decision. Right or wrong, you keep moving. Always keep moving. Not running away, but moving towards something positive. Never get derailed by your mistakes or unexpected results. Learn. Grow. Be scared and keep moving. Keep moving even when you’re not sure where you’re going. Break something and take the opportunity to put it back together – I bet you won’t break it next time. Trip over your own two feet, or plant that foot securely in your mouth, and then get back up on those same feet and KEEP MOVING.
Funny – that applies to so many things. Here’s to the journey and the people who keep me moving along the way. You’re my heroes.
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