marriage

I’ve gotten a lot of interesting perspectives on marriage recently — some good, some really really sad. So here it goes, my list of the best advice I’ve been given on marriage.

* Love doesn’t fix everything.

My marriage is going to be the greatest love affair of my life. If it is supposed to be a mirror of the passionate pursuit of the church by Christ and her response to that love, I would never undermine that significance by settling for comfortable or average. But love in itself will never fix all of your problems. You have to know how to communicate and how to resolve conflict in a healthy way and how to disagree without damaging each other. You have to know which battles are worth it and even when to submit to their opinion when you aren’t yet fully convinced. Marriage doesn’t make your life less complicated, and being in love doesn’t mean you can make it through anything that comes your way on that merit alone. Loving someone enough to spend your life with them means you will have to learn how to actually function with them in it.

* You may want to give up — don’t.

It isn’t always gonna be sunsets and red roses, but you made a commitment to love for the rest of your life unconditionally. Do that. Even when you don’t feel like it, and even when you don’t feel “in love.” Love is an action, with a feeling that follows closely behind.

* SERVE them.

Christianity is about putting yourself at the bottom of the totem pole and sacrificing all of yourself for others. That should be done even more emphatically for your spouse, though unfortunately we have this idea that they are the exception.

* Plan.

Know beforehand whether you see eye to eye on important things like finances or children or where you want to live or your faith. Those are not the things you want to discover that you disagree on when you’re about to make the decision. And study good marriages of people you respect before attempting it yourself, caring enough about not screwing yours up to put effort into not making their mistakes.

* Open up.

Vulnerability can really suck sometimes, but your marriage won’t survive without it. You’ve become one. Act like it.

* Look to them first.

Marry someone whose opinion and advice you trust more than your own, and then go to them for it before you look somewhere else. Believe them, have faith in their judgment, and pray that God gives them the wisdom you need when you need it so you won’t have to compromise your intimacy by reaching outside for help first.

What did I learn? I have wise friends. Who like to talk about their spouses (a good thing I think). I thought I would share their hearts with those who like to read about mine.