strength

I doubt I will ever think I’m strong.

I know for a fact, however, that I get so much of the strength I do have from some wonderful people. God has never left me, but he has also rarely left me without human hands to hold or arms to hold me. I have the opportunity to break down and give out and fall over and show every weakness in me knowing that I have a place to do so, but I also have help when I do get back up and get it together and make decisions and move forward. I’ve learned more about what God’s love is from these relationships than I ever expected to: I’m not supposed to fix it. In fact, GOD isn’t supposed to “fix” it. It’s ok to cry. Hard. It’s ok to feel lost sometimes. It’s ok to feel things and think things you don’t want to. Because love meets you where you are and waits until you can find a way to stand up before it pushes you forward. You will move forward, and you will be able to do what you need to and face the very problems that brought you to your knees in the first place with the confidence of not being alone.

So I’ve learned that I can be strong when I don’t look like it, feel like it, act like it…I can be strong because I let go of it long enough to lose control for a minute. And the world didn’t end. When I took my hands off of it, guess what — nothing fell apart but me. I know it can and will happen again, because I’m just not the kind of person who can stay busy enough to always keep up my morale when I’m frustrated or scared. But tears aren’t weakness, they’re a release and a recognition of where I end.

So when I ended, I found people who loved me. A lot. In the right ways and in the best ways they knew how. I can write this because I have a God who has given me grace enough to stand when His strength is all I have, but who so often chooses to hold me up with people I can only hope to give to one day the way they have given to me.