sometimes i fall flat on my face.

No literally, I fall a lot. Take this morning for example. Lying face first on the steel-cornered steps between the first and second floors of Riggs Hall, I thought about the frequency of that occurrence and its impact on my life. It’s not just falling up the stairs - it’s the many many ways I am reminded that the “I have it all together” image wouldn’t resemble mine even after hours of expert photoshopping.

And I really want to use that. Tripping, saying really dumb things even when I’m not nervous, my (often) complete failure to fully confirm the identity of a person I’m about to greet with an enthusiastic hug, it’s all usable.

They’re reminders that there really is no good purpose for preserving my dignity. My pride and dedication to any kind of appearance (no matter how small) do nothing but frustrate me for not manufacturing the perfect public opinion and leave me ultimately alone. I’m not actually that incapable of functioning without embarrassing myself, but any time I start concentrating on how I’m being perceived I STOP BEING HONEST. I start trying to become something more impressive. Instead, I want to be approachable, comfortable, attentive, and as real as I can possibly be…not so I can be known as “the marvelously humble girl,” but just because that’s the outflow of hiding myself in this love affair with Christ that’s releasing my selfish grip on my identity.

Freedom from fear…death of self and dignity. Honesty and life and reality and love.

when love comes in fire…

Understanding the depth and expanse of the Lord’s mercy is absolutely necessary for us as fatally flawed human beings. His tenderness in restoring me and raising to life all of the places in me that had died from disease and deception - that quiet, constant grace has become such a needed resting place for my heart in the last few months. What I never expected to be THANKFUL for, however, is his absolute fierceness. I accepted the idea of a powerful, fearsome God only when it meant that he was pummeling my enemies and protecting me - otherwise, I generally rejected thoughts of anything other than an adoring, gracious, eternally patient Bridegroom and Father.

I’m not even going to begin to claim that I have a clear understanding of the character of the Lord, but in seeking a more balanced and scripturally accurate view of him I’m surprised at how glad I am that my God does not always come as a gentle breeze rustling the fragile autumn leaves. I’m glad he’s an all-consuming fire. I’m glad that he is someone to be feared. I’m glad that he is full of righteousness and that because of his very nature, if it were not for his abundant love and mercy we would all be struck dead. I really love that my Redeemer is entirely holy and powerful and majestic and not at all passive.

It is because he is so passionately and absolutely committed to righteousness that he provided a way for us to take on his righteousness. If he were not so, there would be no opportunity for us to “worship him in the beauty of holiness” (Psalm 29:2) - no escape from our depravity into a realm where we are free to be beautiful in purity as we were created to be. His anger against disobedience and pride and apathy and hate and wickedness are not indicators that he’s too demanding and violent to be a good God - he sees those things and knows that only when they are destroyed and divinely wrenched out of our souls can anything good exist. He IS a good God because he refuses to simply turn away from the evil in the world and in us. He loves his people too much NOT to hate unrighteousness and injustice, NOT to be committed to purity and holiness.

God, help me understand what it truly means to have a reverent, worshipful fear of you that is both fueled by and necessary for my love for you.

Psalm 24

“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;
for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior.
Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. Selah.

Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle.
Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
Who is he, this King of glory? The Lord Almighty — he is the King of glory. Selah.”

—-

May we give our lives to serve the Lord with a pure heart, open wide and preparing the way for the King of glory.

this is our God…

Receive love.

Love is an incomprehensible depth of mercy. It burns desperately for the lost one and exults in the ninety nine it has been given. Love overwhelms fear. It satisfies. It quiets the anxious and makes restless the comfortable. It is radiant in the darkness of unrighteousness. Love heals. It frees. Love redeems what has been destroyed and destroys what has been falsely established. It baffles the intelligent and is made known to the humble. It is not blind, for it gives sight. Love cannot withstand injustice. It is passionate, even ferocious in its persuit. Love is lavish and unearned. Love is faithful and trustworthy. It sparks a wildfire that purifies and refines. It is truly better than life. Love values what seems worthless. Love judges righteously for the good of men. It is essential. It corrects perspective and enables relationship.

Love is beyond explanation or description.

This is our God, who himself is perfect love.

passion and patience…

I read. Sometimes I stay up until 3 am to study, but mostly when that happens it’s “leisure reading” time. I love the quietness of late nights after busy days. In the last few months, I’ve developed what I can only describe as an appetite for truth. I can’t absorb anything I read fast enough; I want to speed up but I want to let each new thought resonate for a while too. I found myself identifying with Tozer’s prayer, “I want to want You…I thirst to be made more thirsty still.” God has changed years of lack of desire for him into a need to dive deeper into the reality of what his kingdom is. I can accept no responsibility for that change; the kindness that first drew me into repentance also drew me deeper.

I feel so alive, and that makes me…antsy? Yeah, that seems about right. I never knew that passion and patience could coexist, but I’m learning that it’s possible and necessary. I’m excited to take the next twenty steps but learning how to make each one solid and enjoy the process. I’m letting go of my need to reach some sort of end and allowing the growing intimacy with the Lord be an end in itself.

There is a God whose reality is deeper than we know. He raises the dead and shakes the earth and speaks light into existence and is celebrated by all of creation…and loves us. Lifetimes have been spent in pursuit of him and have never reached the end of even one aspect of who he is. For those who hunger, there is a feast waiting for you. No one can properly describe it to you. Taste and see.

My prayer for myself and for the people around me is this:

Ephesians 1:16-21 “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

i realized today…

Love isn’t an option. It isn’t a switch I can flip on and off whenever I feel like it. It isn’t convenient. It isn’t limited to the people I feel most obligated to show love to. It isn’t limited to the “least of these” either. It’s the frat boy at the football game, the girl behind the fast food window, the guy who made your best friend cry, the kid who makes an art out of getting on your nerves, the girl down the street passing by going for a run.

How I respond to EVERYONE is important. God never made my mistakes into a funny story. He doesn’t laugh when I mess up. He’s never been angry with me without reason. I don’t annoy him. I’m not his project. He doesn’t look over me so he can get to someone more important to him. He doesn’t judge me or ignore me or manipulate me.

But I do that. Casually, intentionally, subconsciously, however I do it, it happens. But what God DOES do is forgive me. Even for those things. I’m so glad.

jump…

“Let me be in love with what You love
Let me be most satisfied in You…”

- - - - - - -

In a very simplistic sense, you can look at the Bible as a textbook or as a novel - both of which you can learn from, but each carrying some serious perspective differences. I’m learning how to approach the Bible and my faith as an ongoing story, not a set of facts to regurgitate. A narrative of the journey that God wants to lead. For most of my spiritual life I’ve focused so much on learning and understanding and knowing more ABOUT the Christian life and so little on the reason it all even matters.

The stories of believers in Scripture, cover to cover, are stories of intimate relationship. Jesus walked in our dirty world and suffered for a people who not only fail to deserve it, but who so often throw the offer of undeserved love and grace right back in his face. I can’t accept that everything he gave was with the intention of birthing a people who know all about him and live a respectable life in his name but can’t recognize his voice or truly know his presence. I started running from what I saw as the “Christian life” because it was fully attainable even if God isn’t who he claims to be. Because I couldn’t hold to a faith in him that didn’t need him. Fortunately God caught me first.

What Moses begged for and the only thing I believe can actually satisfy the deepest need of the human soul is an intimate relationship with God. I’ve tried so many different angles to accomplish that without realizing that what I needed first was to be captivated by his presence and to allow him to teach me what it means to be in love with him. I wanted to know his will without walking with an open ear to his voice. And I watered down what “God’s voice” meant until it became frighteningly subjective and sounded an awful lot like my feelings justifying my plans.

I believe that God’s heart for me is for a relationship. For a real, supernatural dialogue. For a closeness. For me to crave his presence. For me to know what it means to be lead by his Spirit. For obedience and a right way of life that stem from friendship and adoration and trust rather than from obligation or good habits. I really do believe in and desperately need all of those things. So here we go…

loving much…

Left to my own devices, I can be an incredibly judgmental person. Of people who love Jesus, no less. I have few expectations of people outside of the church for the most part, but I hold my spiritual siblings to standards that I can’t even manage. It saddens me. I say that because I truly believe that by acknowledging the battle, you can win it - and I desperately want to be a person who loves deeply and sees through the eyes of a God who gave everything he had for us.

I have to learn lessons the hard way. A lot of us do. Learning to love that well is not an easy process. Just like the prostitute who broke at the feet of Jesus in Luke 7, loving deeply is a sign that you are aware of the depth of forgiveness you have received. “He who has been forgiven little, loves little.” It is the utmost arrogance to believe that you weren’t horrifically flawed when you were trying this thing on your own - and none of us would probably claim that we weren’t. Love is a characteristic mark that we grasp how much we needed what we never deserved. The alternative is the sign that we think the ones we judge are less worthy than we are, like Simon only saw that the woman was a sinner and judged her unworthy of Jesus’ attention.

As God reminds me more and more of what I become when I run away from his guidance, as I fall flat on my face time and time again ashamed of the depth I am capable of falling to on my own, he is creating in me a heart that judges no one and longs to see the love I have been pursued with showered on the ones I once turned away from. Not that I have it all down yet, because I don’t - but my heart is being re-tuned to seek mercy over justice and forgiveness over criticism.

Because I’ve been forgiven of SO much. May I never waste such a huge love.

moving…

Fear isn’t pretty. It isn’t enviable. Nobody wants to admit when they’re scared. You can ignore it all you want to, you can claim to be immune, but you’re not - it’s part of life.

I don’t handle it well.

I’m learning a lot about myself, and that tops the list. Some people can take uncertainty and seemingly hopeless situations with the utmost outward grace and composure - I just don’t happen to be one of them. My plans usually have a defined end result, and beyond that I would just rather…not. Most days I’d prefer the stuff I screw up on my own than passively wait for life to hit a surprise line drive straight to my stomach. The things I can’t understand or predict or map out about following Jesus even scare me silly because - what happens when I get to them and things don’t go like I think they should? What do you do with all of the questions? Worse, what happens if you never find the answers? But guess what? If I keep living my life that way, I’m going nowhere and learning nothing. I’m getting know me well enough to see the gracelessness coming and fight back instead of running away.

Believe it or not, my “personal development map” at work this summer includes a nice section about Dealing with Ambiguity. Do you know how you learn to deal better with ambiguity on the job? You take something you don’t understand and you DIVE IN. Have faith. Ask questions when you need to, but take a deep breath and actually make a decision. Right or wrong, you keep moving. Always keep moving. Not running away, but moving towards something positive. Never get derailed by your mistakes or unexpected results. Learn. Grow. Be scared and keep moving. Keep moving even when you’re not sure where you’re going. Break something and take the opportunity to put it back together - I bet you won’t break it next time. Trip over your own two feet, or plant that foot securely in your mouth, and then get back up on those same feet and KEEP MOVING.

Funny - that applies to so many things. Here’s to the journey and the people who keep me moving along the way. You’re my heroes.

why, hello again!

Let’s all welcome Stephanie back to the blogosphere…

Why, you ask? Because today at 12:42 pm I bought a Macbook. Anybody have a suggestion for a name??

Yes indeed, my IBM is breathing its last few labored breaths and making its own funeral plans (I have a few ideas for how I might “mourn”…)

I’ve actually been happy to be laptop-less for the summer. I waste INFINITELY less time without one. My puppy has appreciated the extra few blocks on her walks stemming from my lack of after-office connection to the rest of the world. Here’s to hoping I’m a well-adjusted user now that I’ve seen that I really CAN log off for the better part of a few months!

My two big purchases this summer have been a mountain bike and a flippin awesome laptop. I don’t know when I have ever enjoyed two items more. I’ve made measurable improvements in my endurance from peddling (slowly, sure) up steep mountain paths and generally biking around town, and I can understand enough about computers to be excited about the ownership of the shiny new mac that I am presently publishing this post from.

I’m thankful. I live temporarily in a beautiful city, I have the opportunity to get out and exercise and enjoy God’s gorgeous creation, a great job that pays well, and a college education in the making. I’m discovering potential career paths that excite me and give me the opportunity to use the gifts and passions I was designed with. I don’t want to take any of that for granted, or anything else for that matter. There’s just not enough time in a life to spend any great amount of it miserable.

My mom literally counts her blessings every morning. On days like today I’m inescapably reminded of mine.